Sept. 23, 2022

Cantaloupe - I'm married

You ever do something so stupid, that you are filled with instant regret and wonder why the hell you did it?

Hold my beer.

I was around eight, maybe nine, when I ‘played a game’ so asinine it could have ended my life.

I was home alone on a Friday night, watching TGIF. For those who do not remember or were not born yet, TGIF was a block of shows that aired every Friday evening, Full House, Perfect Strangers, Mr. Belvedere (at one point), Family Matters, Step by Step, Boy Meets World, 90210. The list goes on and there were many versions of it over the years, but that is pretty much how I remember it.

When I was home alone, I would watch television in my mom’s room. She had a comfy bed, an electric blanket (old school with those hot ass coils that would burn you if you hung out in one spot too long – super safe), and a cool television.

So, I am laying in bed watching TGIF, and I decide I want a snack. I make my way to the kitchen to discover fresh cut cantaloupe in the fridge. I take the whole bowl with me; mom is going to be mad, but I do not care, I am a slob – still am.

Here is where the bright idea comes in. I am going to play a game. Are you ready?

Let’s see how big of a piece of cantaloupe I can swallow without chewing.

I am not kidding. I feel stupid even typing it, and it happened over thirty years ago. You ever get so embarrassed that your face gets tight and tingly, and you know it is a different shade? That is me right now. Ken and I call it ‘being soccer-balled’ - where you get so embarrassed it feels like someone just kicked a soccer ball in your face. If that ever happened to you in gym class, you know what we are talking about.

So, what did my nine-year-old self think was going to happen when the cantaloupe was too big to swallow? She obviously did not think that far ahead…

Then it happened. The piece was too big. Mom had a dresser with a mirror attached. I remember climbing out of bed and looking in the mirror, my face started turning red because, you know, I had half a cantaloupe shoved in my throat, and I thought, “This piece of cantaloupe is too big. Now what?” I could not breathe; I was not getting any air. What I did next was so bizarre. I did not call 911 or run to a neighbor’s house for help. I laid down because I did not want to get hurt if I fell. I started seeing those stars that people talk about before they pass out. Right before I lost consciousness, I rolled myself onto my side and hit my chest with all my nine-year-old strength, and the cantaloupe came hurling out of my throat and under mom’s dresser. I left it there.

I put the remaining cantaloupe back in the fridge – there was not much left. Mom came home, apparently craving some of that delicious melon, because I heard her yelling almost immediately.

We developed a huge ant problem. The source was identified – a large chunk of cantaloupe under the dresser.

Obviously, I never told on myself, and nobody aside from Ken knows this story.

Do you know that show, “I Survived a Crime”? Well, I survived a snack, and I even calculated how much cantaloupe my throat can handle until it can’t handle any more.

Ken just made a correlation to another story; that time in summer camp (before the cantaloupe episode) I was challenged with determining how far I could lean forward without bending my knees before falling in the locker room. I ended up with thirty stitches above my eyebrow.

I see a decision-making trend here…

I have no witty ending, this topic does not tie into the show (not even a little), but my blog has been a bit heavy, so I thought I would make your day a little brighter, and perhaps make you feel better about a life decision or two.