Oct. 21, 2022

Roller Skating Butthole Guy With Corpse Paint

Roller Skating Butthole Guy With Corpse Paint

The last couple of years have forced me to look within, assess outward, and really try to find inner happiness and balance. Covid and isolation, mom getting sick, friends and family dying, people I did not know dying in masses, all weighed on me, heavily. I am sure covid forced people, whether they wanted to or not, into some sort of self-realization(s) and self-reflection.

My first realization was that my expectations for myself are way too high, and as a result, my relationships have been impacted. I often felt an imbalance with relationships – I was giving too much towards relationships that did not necessarily deserve it, and it became exhausting and hurtful (example: ‘but they are family, you HAVE to have a relationship with them’). It was time for me to dive into that. Why? And how and why did my coping mechanism become to hit an easy button and have an immediate, impenetrable wall appear? Once that wall is up, it does not come down.

I am fortunate to have a super-human as a best friend. She is loyal, caring, trust-worthy, accountable, dependable, and always there with no questions asked. Just as much as she is all those things, she is also insanely honest, unapologetically blunt, and says all the words that nobody wants to hear that need to be said. In fact, Ken will threaten me with, “Don’t make me text Shannon” because she will tell me when I am wrong, and when it comes to Ken, unfortunately he is usually right (thus why he is everyone’s compass). You know how that usually ends up…

I love fiercely. When I call you a friend, I am in. I am there. No questions asked. But just because I have these unrealistically lofty expectations of myself, does not mean I have the right to have them of others.

So, with the help of Shannon, I have learned to compartmentalize people. I can have friends, and I can have acquaintances, and within those categories, expectations vary. It cannot and should not be all or nothing. Not much in life works like that, especially when it comes to relationships. It has to be give and take. There is a saying that hangs in my office:

You get out of people what you put into them

I know most of you are thinking, “Duh, she is just figuring this out now?” Yep. Huge, valuable lesson. I have a lot less friends (Ken warned me this would happen as I got older), a lot more acquaintances, and my relationships flourish, blossom, and are more natural because I do not have these unrealistically high expectations; of myself or of others.

My second realization was that life is just not meant to be taken as seriously as I take it. I set these rigid rules, routines, and expectations for myself, which keeps me grounded, but I tend to take it too far. Learning to manage my relationships more effectively, the show, and writing has all helped, but my connection to the scene is really to credit. I have spent my entire life feeling out of place, and I overcompensated with these crazy routines to ‘keep me on track’ because I always felt different. Right down to being a girl scout rule-follower. Except for speeding, I do break the speed limit. Juan will probably never ride with me to Buffalo again.

Turns out, not everything in life must have rules, routines, and ridiculous expectations. Not everything has to fit perfectly, including me.

Analogy: I always felt as if someone was finishing a puzzle, had one piece left, and they realized that piece does not even belong to the puzzle they are finishing. I am that puzzle piece. You could force it, cut a knob off, bend it, and it would work, but not really – and the pattern would not match. A little fringe-like.

…but isn’t that the beauty of it all? We do not fit perfectly, and that is why we fit together. Eventually, we weave this pattern that starts to make sense. Things jive, personalities meld, friendships are born - not because we fit perfectly together, but because we compliment each other’s differences.

Using the analogy of the puzzle piece that does not belong in the puzzle, I got a BHG (butthole guy) tattoo right around the time we planned our first show with Erik – June 2021 (see previous blog). Anyone local (and probably afar) knows that BHG is signature Erik Burke artwork. Several people have BHG tattooed in various places; usually Burke will draw it on said person and then the tattoo commences. Well, Erin (Erik’s lady) and I were still getting comfortable in our friendship, and I did not want to come across weird asking Erik to draw BHG on me, so I bent the rules a little (I know, can you believe it?!) and bypassed that step.

I did not get the traditional BHG. I wanted it to serve as a reminder to keep it light and acknowledge my differences, while paying homage the scene and my friendship with Erik; so, my BHG is wearing rolling skates and corpse paint, because, why the fuck not? It’s just not that serious…